I AM

I AM AS I UNDERSTAND.

Competition – How to know

Competition is competing against oneself whether the ego will let self see it or not…therefore, bad sportsmanship exemplifies the ego against itself and all its faults…good sportsmanship accepts that for today the best was the best….center reflects enjoyment/thankfulness of the competition for all that it is.

Perspective

Young son brings me some scribbles on a notebook paper and asks if it is a masterpiece. It hurt his feelings when I said no but I quickly explained to him why it wasn’t and what a masterpiece was and then he said, “Yeah mom, but God does make masterpieces.”

Bah Hum Bird!

So let me get this straight…I have to get up at 1am Thursday morning to start the big bird, go back to bed at 2am and then wake up on the hour to baste until 5am and then start preparing 20 side dishes, 2 pies, 2 cakes…all between one oven and a small microwave, set the table to look like something from Martha Stewart’s Living, look like I stepped out of Vogue as I serve it…then do two loads in the dishwasher whilst washing all the big stuff which puts me at about 1am Friday morning and then I’m supposed to get up at 4am and stand in line to shop in over crowded stores for bargains whilst everyone else watches football games and marathon TVLand episodes????

BAH HUM BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

What I REALLY want is my own reality show just to get this documented!

RAnDom ThOUgHt

Oh Tae…here is a thought:

 

The “ME” generation turned their kids into the “WE” socialist generation so the “ME” generation could do anything they wanted to do and then the “ME” generation would be taken care of by the “We” generation.

 

 

 

Grief in the words of Dr. Suess…

Dad.

Had.

Sad.

Bad.

Mad.

Glad?

Wow!

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and the Lord’s Prayer are not allowed in most 
public schools anymore and because the word ‘God’ is mentioned… 
A 15 year old kid in Arizona wrote:

 

NEW School prayer:

Now I sit me down in school 
Where praying is against the rule 
For this great nation under God 
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights. 
And anytime my head I bow 
Becomes a Federal matter now. 

Our hair can be purple, orange or green, 
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene. 
The law is specific, the law is precise. 
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.  

For praying in a public hall 
Might offend someone with no faith at all 
In silence alone we must meditate, 
God’s name is prohibited by the state. 

We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, 
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.. 
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. 
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, 
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King. 
It’s ‘inappropriate’ to teach right from wrong, 
We’re taught that such ‘judgments’ do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls, 
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. 
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, 
No word of God must reach this crowd.  

It’s scary here I must confess, 
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess. 
So, Lord, this silent plea I make: 
Should I be shot; My soul please take! 
Amen

 

 

 

 

Always and forever…

There is always and forever a reason to be thankful.

Always a way to say I what I dare,

Alway a way to show that I care,

Always a way to know and to share.

 

There is always and forever a reason to be grateful.

Always a way to say it to others,

Always a way to show it to mothers,

Always a way to know between brothers.

 

There is always and forever a reason to celebrate.

Always a way to say that you knew.

Always a way to show that we miss you.

Always a way to know that our love is still true.

By me, Canvas Grey

Simple always says it best for me, the uncomplicated, genuine, thoughtful, loving, easy way.

Dedicated to Dad, we miss you but knowing that we can be thankful, grateful and  celebrate at our first Thanksgiving without you, knowing you are just on the other side.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD DEMANDS TO KNOW WHO THE NEW PRESIDENT IS!

“Who is the new president?” 

“Voting is tomorrow.”

“WHO is the NEW presadent, Mom?”

“We go vote tomorrow and after that we will know.”

“When are we going to know who ‘it’ is?”

“Maybe late tomorrow evening, after you are in bed.”

“I need to know who the new president is because voting is important.”

“Yes, it is very important.  That is why Daddy and I take you with us when we go.”

“WHO IS THE NEW PRESDADENT?”

“We will know sometime on Wednesday, MAYBE.  That is all the information I can give you about when we will know who the new president will be, Young Son.”

“Well, I need to know who the new presadent is Mom.”

Ya know who this exchange reminded me of?  The media.

Dreams

I wanted to tell you about the dream I had about Dad last night.

 

We were at the funeral home.  I had gone to an upstairs closet or bathroom that lead to another room that went higher and then to a sun filled place.  Kim was there with me and Dad walked in, he was so young and he looked so wonderful, probably around 35 or 40ish.  The funeral director came to the door.   Dad stood there for a minute and smiled and then went into the room and walked toward the other room that went a little higher and then into the sunlight he went.  I turned to Kim and said, “Didn’t he look so great and young?”  Kim said, “No, Deb I could only see him as an older man.”  I turned to the funeral director and he nodded.  I went down stairs to where the coffin was and Mom was standing alone in front of it.  And at the last minute all of Mom’s siblings came in walking in a straight line, arm in arm, all dressed in black and surrounded her in a circle. (kind of a representation of her family gathering around her).

 

All in all it was a good dream.  I miss him.

Good Night, Sleep Tight

And pleasant dreams to you! 

My Dad passed away last month.  Even when it is their time and they’ve lived a good, long life it still is difficult.  In more ways than I can explain.

We were a Lawrence Welk family, pizza every Saturday night with pleasant singing and dancing, nothing too risky for children; just simple melodies with great harmony.  I’ve sung this song a million times to my kids at bedtime.  Big Boy is almost ten and Young Son is five and they still love hearing it.  It is comforting, lovely and satisfying to know that someone who loves them sings this into their ears until they fall asleep. 

I’d like to dedicate this post to Dad.  I was blessed to have him in my life.  He taught me so much.  I’m so thankful he knew how much I loved him. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him.  I hope he knows that I’ll see him again.

 

Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you.

Here’s a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true.

Although it’s always sweet sorrow to part.

You know you’ll always remain in my heart.

Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you.

Here’s a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true.

And now till we meet again, adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, good night.

Help for Kids

I’m all about helping kids! 

So when I saw this link on the Autism Blog I had to share it with anyone that reads here.  Helping kids cope with fears and anxiety.  Heck, I learned from it for myself in the first few forms listed on this one page.  So even if you don’t have a child with autism and they are having some issues, this will help.

Our kids are growing up with  the media blowing up everything into something to be excited or fearful over, our kids need to learn how to cope.

This is a GREAT site!

http://www.anxietybc.com/parent/complete_home_tool_kit.php

Helping Inclusion Work FOR You

I read quite a few blogs.  I am trying to listen and speak  when God leads and to this post on the Autism Blog I felt I must write this:

I’ve found that it isn’t the school district but the individual school that determines a successful outcome.  My son was in his fourth elementary school by the time he was in the last part of kindergarten (he started at age three). 

I’ve always tried to work with teachers who seemed willing but the truth always came out when they were unhappy about inclusion.  All the moving around did hurt us a bit financially but I KNOW it has served my son well.  He is now included and accepted by the staff (teachers WANT him in their class), the kids and the community.  **a tear of joy**  It also benefits by being involved with the school through activities, PTA and community/neighborhood functions. 

I feel I must speak to the confrontational method of pursuit.  Especially for those who are in smaller communities, this just IS NOT going to work and your child will suffer for it (even more than you think they already are).  So be kind, treat people as you want to be treated, try their plan first (if compromising doesn’t work) and if it doesn’t work for your child, be kind when you make strong suggestions (possibly backed by the doctor) as to what you’ve found that works for your child and ask for changes. Be involved with showing how something isn’t or is working but give issues time to resolve on their own unless immediately detrimental.  

Confrontational tactics should ALWAYS be the very last resort.  I say this because I come across so very many well meaning parents who’ve pushed and shoved (those are the kids I’ve seen suffer the most). 

By being kind, I’m always asked to be on committees, attend functions to represent special needs, etc.  You know, flies and honey…THAT is where the REAL differences are made…having input from the get go.

Early on I had one principal come out and tell me at an IEP meeting that I needed to put my son in a different school.  I thanked her, and I did, it was more than clear my son wasn’t going to get the support he needed there. I was thankful for her honesty, it was the best thing that ever happened to my son.

The Interview

The request was made here.  You can look at the interview here or read my response below:

 

By The Pakistani Spectator • Jun 10th, 2008 • Category: Interviews • (3,123 views) • No Responses

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

Thank you for your invitation.  My site is The Canvas Grey. (www.thecanvasgrey.wordpress.com) The name was inspired by a dream.  I believe I was healed by God and wanted to let as many people know for His Glory.  It is difficult to imagine that I could ever, ever talk about it enough or be thankful enough.  So I blog about my experiences, both success and failure, to help others who may find themselves needing more information, guidance or just a laugh.  Over time I’ve developed blogging buddies who are so wonderful and encouraging and I enjoy keeping up with them.

God is so great, so much more than we can understand.  I believe He is more than any religion or book and He can speak to each of us as individuals in ways that are completely unique to each of us.  His Greatness cannot be hidden or bound.

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

I haven’t thought much about whether I’ve grown as a writer or that it was important to me.  I mostly feel compelled to write about something and then set about doing it.  There is no doubt that some of my posts are inspired and they are easy to see; my journey of learning, plowing around the stump for examples.  I’m a deep thinker and when God gives me insight I want to share that for others to let God work through it if He desires to do so.

I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?
My memorable experiences are all about the inspiration and compelled writing plus the interaction with others.

What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?
I visit other blogs and keep up with my blogging buddies through our blogs.  I do have some readers that don’t have blogs that send me emails from time to time.  They share things with me to post, which I appreciate and enjoy very much!

What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?
Using the internet to get passed the two minute sound bites that the main media WANT us to see or hear.  I want to know in-depth information about past, present and plans for the future on all the political players.  I think the internet should remain uncensored and ungoverned to allow real freedom of speech and exchange of ideas.

Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?
I think more people feel free to express themselves and have a place to say what they want and exchange ideas, thoughts, experiences, etc.  I think more than that the internet provides a platform for anyone who can get to the internet to tell their story or a story they believe is important AND to tell it without edit or censorship.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?
I am a unique individual that has much in common with other unique individuals.

If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?
Believing the best of intentions from others and yourself.

What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?
I speak of this in my Journey of Learning at my blog as they are both on the day I was healed.

Do you think [the use of Twitter and other social networking tools by politicians] is bandwagon jumping or what?
I have to say a direct YES to this question.  Unfortunately politicians seem to be nothing more than advertisers trying to grasp at every last pair of eyes and ears no matter what it takes or what avenue pop culture would have them travel.  That does NOT speak to me as “being a leader” but more as a follower of trends.

 

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it’s paid for – what would your top 3 choices be?
Alaska, South America, Europe and the rest of the world, then the moon, planets, other galaxies and beyond.

What is your favorite book and why?
There is no way I could ever pick a favorite book or favorite anything.  How could I pick just one of anything when God has made/inspired so much.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?
Their expression.

Is there anyone from your past that once told you you couldn’t write?
No.  I was told at a young age by a teacher that I wasn’t an artist.  But she was wrong.

How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?
I think others could answer this much better than I.

Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?
If research is required or one keeps up a post a day (or more) then blogging can become time consuming.  I imagine the most successful blogs (that are more than pictures) are very time consuming as they must keep readers coming back AND attracting new readers.

What are your thoughts on corporate blogs and what do you think the biggest advantages and disadvantages are?
It would depend upon the size but by far the biggest advantages for corporate blogs would be communications…easy, fast, far reaching; the disadvantage would be cumbersome, too many responses or ideas or the need to dedicate one person to the blog.

What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?
Communicating with each other expecting, projecting the best intentions.  I think we as human beings will find that no matter what part of the world we live in the we are more alike than different; to make a way in this world for our family and friends to be together and rejoice in our love for one another and God.  We share a marvelous place in the universe and it is a privilege to share it together.

Who are your top five favourite bloggers?
I really don’t mean to be obnoxious I just can’t pick favorites.  There are just too many favorites to list in just five. 

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?
There are several but if you are interested to know which is the most read it would be about my experience in a multi-level-marketing company.  Closely followed by my experience discovering that depression and low iron (anemia) have very similar symptoms.

What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?
I have a perception of the country and then my experience of the people here in the United States.  Since most of the perceptions are via people who have agendas (the media, the politicians, etc.) I base my facts on my own interactions.  I must say that I’ve found people of/from Pakistan to be more like me than different.  I also must tell you that one of my doctors is from Pakistan.  He is a doctor who I can say truly listens to me, treats me with great kindness and respect.  I pray for him to be happy as he is truly a great man in my eyes.

Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?
Twice I could use the word stunned to describe my reaction to reading a blog and been interested reading/trying to understand them/their writings more in depth.  Disgusted is a word I’ve experienced more often than stunned.  BY FAR I’ve had completely positive experiences in blogging and reading other blogs.

What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?
The amount of food, clothing, shelter and ways to make a life for a family.

What is the future of blogging?
My guess is it will stay the same for quite some time.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?
There have been positive; expression, helping others, learning new things, connecting with others AND negative; some time away from family and other projects yet who doesn’t need a break every now and again?  🙂  Mostly I see the good of it when balanced.

What are your future plans?
To continue to seek what God has for me and my family because I know it is beyond my dreams, as He shows me consistently.  I plan to write more about that and to create a history of thought and pictures and understanding within my family, friends and others who touch my life as I touch their life.

Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?
I can only see good from reaching out to one another in peace, understanding and our common bonds as people who are blessed to share the earth at the same time.  I believe that different cultures and diversity is a great thing in life.  We can  throw off hatred, apathy and indifference to enjoy one another.  Peace and happiness to you as you read.

Instincts

 

AND NOW…FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

It puzzles me that so many great minds of the last century (and many now) think we can decode the cosmos and laws of nature.  They seem to think, if it can’t be defined by physics or the “sciences” then by jingies it just CAN’T be.  NOOOO, we sure can’t disect those touchie, feelie things.  We’ve got to hold those things back with a ten foot pole because that can’t possibly be where our evolution is taking us. 

***LONG PAUSE***  😉

Such smart, unopened minds that won’t allow room for God, spirit or being “in tune” with one another…call me a flake, I think they aren’t as smart as they think they are!  We are connected by God, instincts, our souls, mystical awareness or what ever one would call it.  I believe it is real and can be found by anyone seeking to connect.  After all we still except the deep rooted, “fight or flight” instinct, few would dispute we have survival instincts, however many doubt and nullify our spirit, unconditional love, telepathy or psychic ability altogether.  

It is as if we all must first experience something to believe or fully understand. 

Learning to have faith, learning to trust God and our “instincts” and the patience to withstand the wait of when we get to know the answers takes real faith.  To me, real faith means doing something that you believe God wants you to do or you are supposed to do even when you are scared, tired, lazy, depressed, lack funds, are doubtful,  are distracted, afraid it looks/sounds strange to others, worried about how others judge you, when it is difficult.

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Hope you all know I write these for myself, sorry to be so selfish but I’m sharing hoping it will help you.  Many times this is how God “talks” to me.  Even if I can’t understand it right now, maybe I will when He needs me to do so. 

Note to blogger buddies:  I ask you to say a prayer for my Dad.  I know you will so thanks.   Several things are pressing down hard and my time is little of late.  I’ll check in as I can with you all and hope to be back to finish our Difference story soon.  Peace and love from me to you, Debi

 

photo by bonnieanddan

Thanks Mom and Dad!

http://www.dailypress.com/news/opinion/dp-ed_suntopletter_0511may11,0,7289775.story

 

 

About Humans

I don’t pretend to be a doctor or anyone who knows all about things.  I do know one thing that bothers me about some doctors who try to break us down into systems or machines.  As if that is ALL we are as humans.  As if we can eventually explain everything in the human body (or the universe) in the same terms as a machine or a systematic number equation to the finite. 

When we decide to think that we know everything about how the brain, chemicals, genes, etc. relate to one another I wonder what we will use as the “model” machine?  And exactly which mechanic will you trust to give you a tune up?  What constitutes the tune up?  Maybe the sci-fi movies aren’t so far from reality if doctors think they really know it already.  We need the differences that we’ve developed. 

Don’t we NEED differences so that the things I’m not good at doing, someone else can do and vice versa. 

This is one small reason why I struggle about telling our story.  I really don’t see us as any different than any one else in life.  I love my son just as he is, I see my job as helping him to learn coping skills as opposed to changing him or his wonderful mind.  Most of the time my son is one of the happiest kids I’ve had the pleasure to be around.  

I’d written the previous before today (5-6-8).  I’m having difficulty sharing which is completely foreign to me.  But today I was blessed with a beautiful sight.  I had to share. 

As I walked to the school to register my son I saw five smiling, flapping boys come out of the building, one skipped, two others were talking in excited tones, one making happy sounds, another running toward the field.  I saw a tall slender man walking quickly behind them.  I smiled.  I smiled wide and long and looked at them; feeling their happiness, feeling their freedom,  feeling their joy at experiencing the day and a break from school work.  I thought of the teacher, the joy this can bring him too or the concern it could give as to later in the day lessons.  How blessed is this world for ALL these humans?  How blessed that they get to know the joy of the day?  How blessed I was to get to experience this joy from afar but with them? 

Thank God for the students, thank God for the teacher, thank God for the day, thank God for humans. 

Like Humans Do by David Byrne:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzmZXYKmTt0&feature=related

  

Living with a Difference – Sequence I

I invite you to read about our journey and learning experiences in hopes that it will help you or loved ones find themselves in similar situations.  I hope and pray that you find comfort, peace and the positive aspects that Living with a Difference intends.  I hope you I can tickle your funny bone along the way too!

I’ll be making the individual posts and then copy them here for the sake of continuity. 

Posting this for our love of God, standing in faith, praying this reaches those that need and seek His love and peace.

*******************************************

Sometimes it is hard to know where to begin, so why not begin with the beginning! 

 

The cast of characters:  My husband is Hungry Hubby, Big Boy is my oldest son, Young Son is yep and me, I’m Wailing Woman.  For more on how these names came about, click here.

 

 

LIVING WITH A DIFFERENCE – PEEING ON A STICK!

 

Peeing on a stick, how complicated could that be?  Well for one, I can’t quite pee the way the stick chick in the illustration does it.  Her stream looks to be one foot long and steady as she goes… mine…not so much.  

 

I first try my normal position with my legs at the ten and two position but that produces a shower.  So I rise to my gas station commando stance but I’ve already relieved too much and I’m chasing the small bursts with the stick until it seems completely wet.  Well that experience sure didn’t seem to be clear, it wasn’t blue nor was it easy. 

 

What?  Negative.  No, I just knew I was pregnant.  I felt it.  So I got a cup and peed into it (much easier for me) and dipped the second stick (the double pack was on sale).   J  Apparently the first stick didn’t get soaked with the hormone because this time it was CLEAR…I was pregnant!!!!!!

 

Hungry Husband and I can’t keep secrets very well.  Especially when the news is good so we drove to my parent’s house and then to his mom’s house spreading the glorious news.  After two years of trying we were going to have our first child. 

 

I felt pretty healthy during my pregnancy.  We got up nearly every week day and walked one to three miles before work.  I had quit smoking and popped the prenatals.  We continued to compete in CW dance competitions until I was at the fifth month.  At 39, I still felt WAS young even though I was officially in the “at risk” zone of having a child.  I enjoyed the pregnancy and marveled how my body changed.  The doctor gave me a leave of absence five weeks before my due date because of swelling but apparently I didn’t have preeclampsia. 

 

Fast forward two weeks, my water breaks, emergency C section because he was big and breach.  “I see a boy butt,” the nurse exclaimed.  We were elated!  We missed the low Apgar numbers being tossed across the room.  But the numbers were always going up and eventually everyone was happy.   He peed on one nurse and she jokingly lamented about being peed on.  She even wrote about it on the Apgar card (a souvenir).  Aren’t we the lucky ones, to know he took his first whiz at 11:04 pm on his birthday!?!?!  Now HE would be showing ME how to pee in a stream and hit the target!

 

THANKS and by the way…

First, thanks to all of you who’ve been keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.  I really feel them in my heart and soul.  THANK YOU for them.  I really do sit in thoughtful prayer for you as well.  I’m a big giver so when I receive I tend to give back even more.  Your continued thoughts and prayers of support are very appreciated.  As we know more of the details I’ll share them.  Right now we are in a holding pattern but circling the airport.  ha!

I have several things that are pressing, several things that must come out, I’m compelled.

I’ve done a dozen or so posts on autism.  I think highly of so many bloggers who are autistic or parents of autistic children.  I respect them, their view of things, their frustration of things, their joy of things, their need to help others understand, agree, being able to learn and grow.  Just knowing how nice it is to reach out to each other when needed is a wonderful thing. 

In this age of “bi-polar-isms” I refuse to define my precious, sweet son by autism, nor will I.  He is smart, loving, handsome like his dad (of course), very tall, a reader, into astrology, a thinker, a dreamer, he hums happy tunes, still likes to skip (me too…like Phoebe from friends), likes routine (like his dad), sounds just like his brother (vice-versa) when he talks, has an amazing memory, adores his third grade teacher, can easily entertain himself, becomes deeply involved with things he enjoys, can’t concentrate on things he doesn’t and more, more, more.

So what am I getting at???  I’ve been holding my son’s story close (odd because I share so easily) but I’m nervous it will define him.  Or WORSE, that HE thinks that is how I define HIM.

God has been pushing gently at me from many directions and I had my AHA moment this morning, NO FEAR.  I now know I’m to post it, I’m compelled to post it.  In faith I will post it and pray that it reaches those that it is supposed to reach and help.  In faith I will post it believing that my son will KNOW that autism is only a small sliver of who he is, something to help him in his life’s journey and that I love him more than words.  Amen.  Thank you God for love, mercy, all things seen and unseen.

 

The Age of Autism

 

Nicole Beurkens the Director of Horizons Developmental Remediation Center in Michigan asked me to mention that during the month of April for every new person who signs up for a free newsletter at www.horizonsautism.com  her clinic will make a donation to a scholarship fund for parents who require financial assistance to access treatment. 

I do this as an informational service and to be helpful, not as a recommendation.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND any individual treatment, place, etc.  I do have links to a variety of autism websites for informational purposes. 

I think each child and family are unique and could benefit from any number of people, places and programs. 

I recommend:

     education, read as much as you can as quickly as you can about similar situations.

     early intervention if possible but it is NEVER too late!

     deep breathing, for you, your child, your family, it helps!

     at least a consultation with a neurodevelopmentalist.

     one way all the way isn’t necessarily THE way, try lots of things to see what works for YOU!

     read, reach out to others, use their experience to help yourself and your family (use ME)! 

This is by far my favorite definition of autism because I find it the truth.

Always

Unique

Totally

Interesting

Sometimes

Mysterious 

 Above all, love is love is love.  Everyone has difficulties in life we can rejoice about them and how we are different or lament about it.  I ALWAYS choose to rejoice because I’m never bored, there is always something to do or learn.  Thank God!  I get to choose happiness!